Churches Planting Churches

Church in the Making (3 of 4)

Posted on 23. Jun, 2010 by Steve Swisher in Book Review, Church Planter University, Featured Church Planters, Leadership

So my wife picked up my copy of Church in the Making the other day. It was the first church planting book she’d ever read. It never occurred to me that she’d be interested in reading a book like this. Further I didn’t realize the value of having my wife read a book like this. Put this down as another one of those things I wish I did back before I started planting a church.

Why should my wife read Church in the Making or a book like this? Like most church planter’s wives, she had no idea what she was getting herself into. She shared with me that when we moved here to plant Essential Church she thought of it as just another ministry opportunity for her husband, thinking that it wouldn’t be much different than having me pastor an established church. After all, the church we had been at before this experience was a revitalization project that was full of leadership challenges. After she read Church in the Making the first thing she said was, “It was so comforting knowing that we’re not the only ones who have gone through the stuff we’ve had to endure over the past few years.”

The scary question: If you had read this book 5 years ago before I asked you about planting a church, would you have said yes? After asking my wife this question there was a long, long pause. She told me later that she was thinking about the difficult days we’ve had and how the book accurately warned about those kinds of things. Her response to the question was, “I’m not sure if I would have said yes, but I know I would have prayed about the decision a lot more.” That was tough to hear. It showed me that I did what so many church planters do: get excited about a new opportunity and paint a rosy enough picture to get their wife to go along with it. It seems like everyone thinks that planting a church is difficult, but since God’s in it they’ll have success. But as Arment points out over and over, it doesn’t always turn out that way. Your wife deserves to know on the front end that you’re entering a high risk venture with a high failure rate. Further, it will require you, as a church planter, to work harder and be away from home more than you would if you had a normal established church job. She needs to know that when you ask her to support you in planting a church, what it is you are really asking her.

What do you wish you knew before we planted the church? “That most of the people who were there with us at the beginning would end up leaving.” By far, that has been the hardest thing for my wife. Over the years she’s seen her closest friends walk out of the church and out of her life often without saying goodbye. Some left because the church wasn’t growing as fast as they wanted, others wanted a youth group for their kids, and then there were those that just left and never told us why. Both of us are still kind of shell-shocked from all the unexpected departures. Arment shares his experiences with painful departures, “I’d love to tell you that I became more spiritually mature in my responses [to people leaving] over time, but honestly, I think I just became numb.”

What did you learn from reading Church in the Making? “That you need me to help carry the load.” Ben Arment’s wife Ansley is mentioned in almost every chapter of the book. Seeing the role his wife played in their church plant made an impression on my wife. Granted she gave birth to our first child three months after we started the church planting experience. So she was busy adjusting to her new role at home while I was adjusting to my new ministry endeavor. She told me that looking back, she wished she’d have done more to help me in the early years. She started recounting the things I had asked her if she could help me with, but she didn’t step up to do it. She shared with me that back then she didn’t have the proper frame of reference to understand what I needed and what her role needed to be. Having started at a traditional church that was always trying to load my wife up with responsibilities that she didn’t want and frankly wouldn’t result in church growth, life change, or someone coming to know Christ, she came into church planting with that same mentality. The thought was, “I need to protect our home and family from getting involved in ministry”. But when you’re planting a church, you need every hand on deck helping out. Even if all she’s doing is making a few phone calls or sending first-time visitor emails. Every little bit helps and church planters need all the help you can get.

If you’re planting a church, you owe it to your wife to let her know what she is signing up for. Further, reading a book like this will help her understand what her role is and why you like to do your work at Panera or Starbucks. She needs to have a frame of reference to understand the experiences that await her. She needs to know why she needs to pray and what she needs to pray for. Bring your wife into the church planting process from the start, you’ll be glad you did.

Related posts:

1. Church in the Making (1 of 4)
2. Church in the Making (2 of 4)
3. Andy Stanley’s Making Vision Stick

Tags: Your Wife